Clarity

I feel like I need to clarify my last post. The whole friendship thing. I'm sorry, I'm not always good at articulating myself.

SO..... the reason I did that post was because I saw a pattern in myself that I wasn't happy with, and also that made me more concerned about the people we (at YFC) are trying to reach. Not because of an argument with some one or because someone in particular had upset me. It was more me trying to voice my frustration and my feelings. I guess it is an issue that God wants me to face and deal with, because it has been coming up a great deal recently in our conversations. I noticed that in the last 5 years I have been withdrawing more and more, it just wasn't as noticable at home, the move has just accentuated the problem.

Moving on to lighter issues. Last night was great, Tanya & I went to Starbucks to grab some coffees and then went on to have a nice hour long walk. I am LOVING the nice warm weather, it's SO good. I'm looking forward to my riverside walks.

YFC is very hectic right now, and I know I'm busy when I actually start dreaming about my work.... like last night. I would really appreciate prayer for my work, it's not gonna calm down until the beginning of May, so please pray for peace, patience and sanity;-)

Snowdrops, the herald of spring, oh how I miss seeing you! 

What I'm missing back home! 

Inwards

Isn't it funny how you go around in packs when you are at school, you felt better as part of a group. When I was doing my year out with YFC in the UK, I remember feeling a little lost, I was more unsure of myself, there was no longer the pack element and this scared me a little, what was my identity?

Recently I have been pondering this again. Who am I? Am I still the rebellious daughter? Am I the loud mouth cheese queen? Am I still the avid Monopoly player that would sit for hours playing with the Ginger Prince? Am I just a book worm? Am I the aggressor or the peacemaker?

We all seem to have so many different labels, masks. No wonder young people are so confused.

I have noticed that I look inward more now than I used to. This isn't necessarily a good thing. It is in the fact that I lean on God more, but it isn't in a way because I have lost my trust in other people. Instead of how I was 10 years ago, eager for friendship but too clingy, now I form friendships but hold people at arms length. Don't get my wrong, my mouth still can run away with itself at times, so some people probably know more than is good. But when a friendship seems strained or when I have been hurt a little, I just withdraw now. I somehow think that it will be easier than to keep banging my head against a brick wall and face rejection.

Is this what growing up means, to lose faith in people? If it is, then I DON'T like it! Is anyone else experiencing this too, are we all silently crying out our pain when someone lets us down, says hurtful, harming words? How can I help others in pain when I am silently crying too, not trusting a friendship enough to say "Why did you say/do that, that hurt me"? My saving Grace, my sanity holder is the fact that I cling to God and His promises, the Bible's truth.

Now I don't want to give you the impression that I am a gibbering wrieck, far from it. But what I am trying to get at, in my own weird round about way, is that if I can feel this disillusionment with the rest of mankind, when I am a christian and KNOW that I am loved by the greatest power there is, how are other people (who do not have that rock to cling to) doing?

'Holiness, covers my weaknesses, melting my selfishness because of you.... but it's gotta be the right road, I gotta go where you go I wanna throw up my arms and seize the day for you but it's gotta be the right way, make sure that your behind me, cos you are the breakthru light, your my one true side of you. Loneliness plays to my darkness, caressing my vengefulness when your not here, as the pressure destroys my mind, you conquer me every time by mending the brokeness behind my fear.' Daniel Bedingfield

'Sitting still but still moving, lying down but not resting. Breathing air, sufficating. All the while I'm debating. Life was never what I thought, never what I wanted it to be.... until you came and turned it all around. Oh you found the peace of me, it was missing, it was broken you put soul in to it. Oh you found the hole in me. I was empty, now I'm better, all the pieces back together... I was scattered all around, left shattered on the ground, you picked me up. All I wanted was a little bit of hope, couldn't find it. You showed me something I never knew I owned... What a life always trying, what a life lived without you, don't leave me and I won't fall apart, I won't leave you, and it's cold and I'm blind and I would and it feels good. What a waste of my mind , every time, all the time. Oh you found the whole of me, it was missing, it was broken, you put it back together. I was empty, now I'm better since you pieced me back together.' Natasha Bedingfield.

I'm sorry, I'm quoting a lot of songs. They just articulate it better than me. But that's kind of how I view some of my past, disjointed. I'm grateful that our God is a god of restoration.

I love the light

I am loving that when we leave the house at 7.10am for work, we are actually leaving in sunlight now, it's good, I don't feel quite so bad about walking out of the house. Now I get to look forward to some flowers coming out, but I know that the full glory of bloomage won't arrive for a good 6 - 8 weeks, and June is really when things start to look good, when there is no more huge puddles and there is green grass instead of yucky brown grass. I just long for when the streets are multi-coloured instead of brown and white.

Monday evening was the California Breakaway parents meeting here in Saskatoon, so I was fairly busy getting every thing organised for that. The meeting itself went fairly smoothly I think. Now I have to get everything ready for the meeting we have in Weyburn on Sunday. I'm not quite as stressed about that one. Thankfully I have been blessed with Dawn G volunteering to help me with all the Calbreak preparations, she is such an angel and is helping me out LOADS, she is keeping me sane. She is so encouraging, when I freak out and start crying (I am a cryer, so this is a normal occurence) due to stress, she is my calm voice of reason, I love her!

I spent a good 2hrs 20minutes on the phone to my best friend on Saturday, that was so good, I really miss her! What I love is that we still argue, encourage, debate, share and question each other just as much as when we lived a 5 minute walk from each other. It just doesn't happen a couple times a week anymore. But she continues to challenge, encourage and be an inspiration to me. The fact that we live thousands of miles apart has brought a new appreciation for the friendship we have, it is definately a more treasured gift now, I just wish I had realised what a gift it was when we were living closer together.
So yeah, we had a good discussion about church, God, why we believe what we believe, is our faith based on biblical Truth or have we just accepted what the church teaches as truth, and how society also has it's own version of truth and expectations. We had a fairly excited discussion about her moving out of her mums house and getting her own place...YAY! And about her trip out here to visit me & Lindsay (as long as she can afford it). So I am praying that the funds will be there for her to come out here, it would be just SO GOOD!

PRAYER PLEASE

Please could you all be praying for my church right now. I don't really want to talk about the situation because it is not my situation to talk about, but the whole thing is complicated and I know that there are some really hurt people involved on both sides. So please could you be praying for our church staff, for unity, for healing, for understanding and for patience. And most importantly that God's will is done in this situation.

Thanks

Stressed but OK

Time is running away from me, and I want it to SLOW DOWN! I have way too much to do, with little time to get it all done in, it's the joy of YFC.

Tanya threw me a surprise lingerie shower on Friday night for my birthday party. It was SO much fun! Tanya is an awesome friend, it was a great party, I am very grateful. I have been feeling a little envious about other peoples lingerie showers cos we don't do them in England, I'd never had one, so that was very exciting, and a lot of fun.

Monday at YFC we had our God day together and all went to our new building to look around, dream some dreams, and pray together. It was a really good time, the building and the possibilities that come with it really excite me. There is so much that we could do there, it's great, I can't wait until we can move our offices in there.

I have begun to fully appreciate how much I really just don't enjoy sports or the gym. I have known that I don't enjoy the gym for quite a while, but KNOW that I need the exercise so I have been trying really hard to make myself go, but the last couple of weeks I have been feeling pretty stressed out about it (stupid I know). But I feel like a failure for not really enjoying any of the activities. And, irrationally, I am annoyed at the gym for not being more exciting. I'm pretty frustrated with the whole situation.

My birthday/YFC banquet

I turned 26 last Friday. So we decided (like a month ago) that we should get away for the weekend, so we called Aunt Susan & Uncle Earl and arranged to stay with them in Spruce Grove. We left at 9am Friday morning, and arrived in Edmonton mid afternoon, so went shopping until Earl was home from work. That evening Earl & Susan treated us to The Cheesecake Cafe for supper, it was great, Hayley & Stacey were bugging each other as only siblings know how. Art & Hertha came too, so much jollity was had. Then we went back to Spruce Grove to watch Yours, Mine & Ours, it was pretty funny.

Saturday morning Susan made us a really great brunch; pancakes, hash browns, scrambled eggs, cheese toast, bacon & sausage. It was really good! I really wanted to go to IKEA, but Lindsay decided to refuse to go with me, so it ended up that the boys; Lindsay, Uncle Earl, Uncle Art and Shannon (with Stacey tagging along) went TV window shopping. While the ladies; me, Hayley, Aunt Hertha & Joanna, went to IKEA. Unfortunately Aunt Susan had to do fundraising at the bingo :-( After such an exhausting afternoon we all trooped back to Earl & Susans and had a BBQ, and Susan made such a good potato salad, I was in heaven! Then we watched Walk The Line, which was OK, but I wish they had done more about their life after he had cleaned himself up.

Sunday we packed ready to go home, while Susan made us another good brunch with leftovers from the night before, Lindsay was really happy because we hadn't even cut in to the Black Forest Gateau the night before so there was lots for him to eat! We left early afternoon, and arrived in Saskatoon at 8pm at which point Lindsay took me straight to the Keg for Kyla's birthday gathering. I just ordered a salad and appetiser because I had eaten far too much at the weekend.

Then Monday arrived, not only was it Monday, but also the YFC banquet day. So started running around at 7.30am and didn't stop until 10pm. But the banquet was AWESOME. It went so well. Greg had made his funniest video yet for us, Kristin & Corwin brought both Project Serve teams to speak and help out, Kim had some of the boys from The Bridge D4 speak, Tyson talked about Regina and Gil talked up a storm about us staff and the new building. People seemed to really catch the vision, and we got lots of positive comments. It was a long tiring day, but well worth it. If you want to know who all these people are and what D4 is please check out the Saskatoon YFC link on the right.

But the office hasn't slowed down any, oh no, because now it is full steam ahead for Calbreak!

Blah, blah, blah

I am feeling sore. I mean really sore. Worked hard and sweated lots sore. Pushed hard at yoga last night sore, and shovelled a stupid amount of snow this morning sore. Getting the idea? My shoulder sure does.

I feel like such a dunce at work sometimes. I am surrounded by people with degree's from bible college, they have such good hard bible knowledge. James for example, I could listen to him all day, he knows SO much, has so much background history. When he explains things it seems so much more real, fluid, understandable. It's like I have a light bulb hovering over my head when he talks, it's an epiphany every single time, seriously. I love working in this environment though, it's challenging and probably really good for my pride, cos how can I feel proud when I know I am leagues behind in my biblical knowledge.

I do yearn for more knowledge though, but I struggle with my bible. It's so much easier to understand when I am around people like Greg and James, they have good knowledge.

I'm gonna miss Greg, he's such a solid rock in this office, good and calming and oh so encouraging, May is gonna arrive way too soon for my liking (where work is concerned). Isn't that weird, I am longing to go home to my family in friends in May, but at the same time when that happens it means no more work buddy Greg, makes me sad.

And the heavens decided there wasn't enough icing on it's cake

So yeah, everythings white this morning, and I was great entertainment for Lindsay as I PLOWED through all the snow! Just as I was about to really start seriously dreaming of spring... flowers... warmth... someone dumped ice over my head.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KYLA!!!!

Oooooooh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMANDA (for 2 days time, my birthday buddy!), sorry I can't come share cake with you Friday, it's a little far to travel for just one day. But I'll see you in May;-)