Inwards

Isn't it funny how you go around in packs when you are at school, you felt better as part of a group. When I was doing my year out with YFC in the UK, I remember feeling a little lost, I was more unsure of myself, there was no longer the pack element and this scared me a little, what was my identity?

Recently I have been pondering this again. Who am I? Am I still the rebellious daughter? Am I the loud mouth cheese queen? Am I still the avid Monopoly player that would sit for hours playing with the Ginger Prince? Am I just a book worm? Am I the aggressor or the peacemaker?

We all seem to have so many different labels, masks. No wonder young people are so confused.

I have noticed that I look inward more now than I used to. This isn't necessarily a good thing. It is in the fact that I lean on God more, but it isn't in a way because I have lost my trust in other people. Instead of how I was 10 years ago, eager for friendship but too clingy, now I form friendships but hold people at arms length. Don't get my wrong, my mouth still can run away with itself at times, so some people probably know more than is good. But when a friendship seems strained or when I have been hurt a little, I just withdraw now. I somehow think that it will be easier than to keep banging my head against a brick wall and face rejection.

Is this what growing up means, to lose faith in people? If it is, then I DON'T like it! Is anyone else experiencing this too, are we all silently crying out our pain when someone lets us down, says hurtful, harming words? How can I help others in pain when I am silently crying too, not trusting a friendship enough to say "Why did you say/do that, that hurt me"? My saving Grace, my sanity holder is the fact that I cling to God and His promises, the Bible's truth.

Now I don't want to give you the impression that I am a gibbering wrieck, far from it. But what I am trying to get at, in my own weird round about way, is that if I can feel this disillusionment with the rest of mankind, when I am a christian and KNOW that I am loved by the greatest power there is, how are other people (who do not have that rock to cling to) doing?

'Holiness, covers my weaknesses, melting my selfishness because of you.... but it's gotta be the right road, I gotta go where you go I wanna throw up my arms and seize the day for you but it's gotta be the right way, make sure that your behind me, cos you are the breakthru light, your my one true side of you. Loneliness plays to my darkness, caressing my vengefulness when your not here, as the pressure destroys my mind, you conquer me every time by mending the brokeness behind my fear.' Daniel Bedingfield

'Sitting still but still moving, lying down but not resting. Breathing air, sufficating. All the while I'm debating. Life was never what I thought, never what I wanted it to be.... until you came and turned it all around. Oh you found the peace of me, it was missing, it was broken you put soul in to it. Oh you found the hole in me. I was empty, now I'm better, all the pieces back together... I was scattered all around, left shattered on the ground, you picked me up. All I wanted was a little bit of hope, couldn't find it. You showed me something I never knew I owned... What a life always trying, what a life lived without you, don't leave me and I won't fall apart, I won't leave you, and it's cold and I'm blind and I would and it feels good. What a waste of my mind , every time, all the time. Oh you found the whole of me, it was missing, it was broken, you put it back together. I was empty, now I'm better since you pieced me back together.' Natasha Bedingfield.

I'm sorry, I'm quoting a lot of songs. They just articulate it better than me. But that's kind of how I view some of my past, disjointed. I'm grateful that our God is a god of restoration.